She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
