Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
