I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize