When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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