in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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