we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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