Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
