Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
