I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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