Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
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