okay pat passed out under dana's car
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
