I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
