It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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