I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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