Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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