No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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