I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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