He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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