hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
