yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
