before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
