I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
