dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I need to stop coming to work sober
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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