So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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