I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
