I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
