I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
