I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
