Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
