Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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