why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
