Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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