I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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