The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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