he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
