Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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