Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
