headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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