You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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