My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
