a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
