This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
