apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
