Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
