I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
