I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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