having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize