I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
