She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
