all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you will always have a special place in my vag
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
