Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sorry about my life...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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