well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
