Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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